Cincinnati divorce | Olivia K. Smith, Attorney at Law

Divorce and the Collaborative Process

December 12, 2016Filed Under: Current Events, Dissolution, Divorce, Uncategorized

I’ve been watching the show “Divorce” on HBO (Sarah Jessica Parker) fairly religiously because I like HBO and SJP and I also practice family law.

[Spoiler Alert!!] In the first couple of episodes after divorce became a likely option for the characters, they started down what is often a common way of handling the conflict. First, they went to mediation and tried to work things out without lawyers. This show subscribes to a traditional stereotype of a lawyer – that they make everything worse and more expensive. So the characters opted not to go that route “to keep things amicable”. All things I’ve heard before. Things were going well with mediation. But then the husband talked to a friend who said he should “lawyer up” to make sure his interests are protected. So he did that without telling his wife. When the wife got wind of the husband getting a lawyer, she went for the best, most expensive lawyer in town to one up the husband and make sure her interests were protected. This caused the husband to panic and decide he needed a “better” lawyer, so he went and hired the dirtiest meanest women-hating lawyer in town to protect his rights. Then, the wife determined her lawyer was not getting the job done so she fired him and hired the dirtiest, meanest man-hating lawyer in town to protect her rights. Meanwhile, the parties were able to co-parent, deal with each other and parties of common friends and go to visit wife’s family for the holidays without the help of their lawyers. The last scene was the husband being served divorce papers in the middle of coaching his daughter’s basketball game to wife’s surprise. A recipe for disaster.

We are talking about a TV show so of course there is the usual bit of Hollywood dramatization and exaggeration. However, I would say its a fairly accurate portrayal of how things can go when starting the divorce process. If these parties had been introduced to the Collaborative Process in the beginning, they may never have completely cut off their chance at an amicable resolution of their issues. Instead, they are spending their hard earned money “one-upping” each other with their lawyers and entering into the process using fear as a tactic. Wife also managed to humiliate her husband and children in public as icing on the cake.

This is definitely one way to handle your divorce and there are lawyers out there willing to take your money to do it that way. But usually the end result is not good for either party, especially if children are involved.

By contrast, the Collaborative Process insists that each party has the chance to hire a lawyer of their choice who is trained in the Collaborative Process before any sort of negotiation begins. The parties hire their lawyers at the outset and can set the tone of their process. Then, depending on the distinct issues in the case, the attorneys may recommend hiring a family relations specialist and a financial expert to help move the process along. The process is meant to be a team approach and the lawyers advise on what the party’s interests are so that the party has a frame of reference as to whether they are agreeing to something for or against his/her interest. Your lawyer is still fully on your side in an advisory position. If you are interested in this approach to ending your marriage vs. the one described at the beginning of this blog, contact me to set up a consultation to discuss your options.

Kids, Clothing and Divorce

September 21, 2015Filed Under: Child Custody, Child Support, Divorce, Misc Advice

As trivial as this topic may seem, clothing as it relates to your kids in a divorce or custody scenario can be a big deal and cause a lot of conflict. I’ve witnessed people handle clothing sharing many different ways during my years of practice. While there is not necessarily one right way to handle the exchange, there is one very wrong way to handle it which is making clothing exchanges your child’s problem.

I happen to believe that if a parent is paying guideline support to the other parent (meaning, there are no deviations) that parent should supply clothing for the other parent during his or her time. I believe the purpose of child support is to provide food, clothing and shelter and the child support figure the Obligor pays represents his or her share of that cost. I also think the parent should return the clothing to the other parent within a reasonable period of time.

However, the example of one parent providing all the clothing for the other parent’s time does not always work because often time parents share equal time with the kids and do not exchange child support. So what is the best way to handle the exchange of clothing in that type of situation? I don’t necessarily think there is a one size fits all approach. One approach could be for the parents to set a clothing budget, share the cost and work together to make sure that clothing is equally divided among the houses. If there is an imbalance, which there could likely be at some point, talk to one another about dividing the clothing again. I would say this method would work smoothly for about 1 and 20 situations. It’s a little too much interaction and could cause a lot of conflict.

Another approach is for each parent to buy his/her own set of clothing, mark the clothing in some fashion, that is not obvious to the child, and return the marked clothing to the respective parent periodically (weekly, monthly, etc). Don’t do the exchange or inventory through the children. The last thing a child needs to worry about is getting yelled at by his or her parent if she forgets to bring back this or that pair of shorts. That is unfair to your child.

Along the same line as the previous example, I have seen moms and dads require their kids to take off the other parents clothing and shoes when they arrive at the house, put on the receiving parent’s clothing, require the child to put the other parent’s clothing in a bag and then change back into that clothing when the time with that parent is over. I hate thinking of how strange this must be for a kid who probably just wants to get on with his day and not worry about changing clothes. However, if this is the best way for you to reduce overall conflict for the children, this may be the best option for you.

At all times, I would suggest being kind and washing the other parent’s clothing, putting it nicely in a bag and handing it to the other parent during exchanges. Resist the urge to “screw over” the parent by sending back played in, dirt covered clothing. That type of behavior does not bode well for your karmic relationship with the world.

Not everyone can have the ideal scenario with an ex. Maybe its not even your fault. Either way, you have an obligation to handle the issue of clothing in a way that is the least disruptive to your child because at the end of the day, we are talking about clothing here. Exposing your child to conflict is far more harmful and should be your main concern at all times.

I would also recommend dealing with the issue of clothing in your divorce documents wherever possible. Having a set out plan can certainly keep you out of Court in the future.

If you have any questions about divorce or custody, please reach out to Olivia through this website.

Holidays and Divorce: Things WILL Change

November 19, 2014Filed Under: Child Custody, Dissolution, Divorce

The weather outside just dropped from an incredibly comfortable fall cool to a damp and nasty chill in about two hours, and shows no signs of going back. You know what that means. It must be holiday season. Soon stores will be lined with red and green, and friends will argue bitterly whether Christmas music is permissible between Halloween and Thanksgiving. For so many of us, especially those with large extended families close by, the holidays carry many traditions, expectations, and norms. I remember as an eight year old being horrified that we were no longer doing Thanksgiving at my grandma’s, not at all appreciating the impossible logistics of stuffing our growing family into my grandmother’s less than 2,000 square-foot house. A couple years later when my parents divorced, lots of other things changed. This article will outline some of my experiences, observations, and retrospect on how ending a marriage affects the holidays.

The Great Schism

The initial split of a marriage with children can be hugely daunting, and the first couple years are usually the most stress-ridden for both parents and child(ren). Many married households do the same thing every year for certain holidays, and after a divorce, keeping that up is frequently impossible or unfair. Every child is different, but in my experience, children are pretty flexible when it comes to holiday traditions when both parents actively endorse the change. Children value a lack of conflict between their divorced parents (which can create incredible stress and even longer-term developmental and behavioral problems) far more than their holiday traditions. The key is usually the two parents sitting down and hashing out how all holidays will work in one sitting. It is very un-lawyerly of me to say this, but holidays are one thing that clients usually figure out better than their attorneys. No one knows your family better than you.

Sources of Conflict

Even when divorced parents have maturely hashed out a sensible and reasonable holiday schedule, problems can arise at actual implementation. Conflict often arises when one parent has a significantly larger contingent of extended family living close than the other. This was the case with my family, and that meant when my parents were together, we far more often spent holidays with my mother’s family. However I was lucky in that my parents made it work. My mother didn’t insist I spend every Thanksgiving with my cousins or make fun of the year my dad and I did a private Thanksgiving one year with a chicken rather than a turkey (it was a really big chicken), or the year we went to Furr’s Cafeteria. At the same time if a year fell that my mother’s family did something particularly big, or someone I hadn’t seen in forever was in town, they moved things around. The key to holidays, and really everything when it comes to parenting children with divorced parents, is the parents working together.

Keep in Mind, Every Family is Different

Divorces are by nature unpleasant affairs, and their aftermaths are never perfect. Your ex may not be as sensible as my parents were, and it may force holidays to be strictly governed by your separation agreement or shared parenting plan. This author knows coordinating holidays after the end of a marriage is far harder than this article may have made it seem, but hopefully it provided a little knowledge and perspective.

Happy Holidays

After your divorce

September 7, 2012Filed Under: Post Divorce/Custody Issues

You’ve finally gotten the “Decree of Divorce” signed by the Judge! What now? If children are involved, you could be facing many years of dealing with your ex-spouse on a regular basis.

Many people want to know if they have to follow their agreed upon parenting schedule. The answer is “no” so long as both parents are in agreement. This greatly depends on the relationship with the other parent. If you agree to alter the parenting arrangement and follow something that is not in writing, you do so at your own risk. It is a good idea to keep a journal with everything that happens with the kids and the other parent. I know this is a tall order when living your day to day life but such a journal will come in handy if you are forced into post-decree litigation. It is generally advised to document your conversations with the other parent in writing, preferably by email and not text message. Another good way to communicate with the other parent is by Our Family Wizard. OFW is a great online communication resource for divorced parents. You can find out more information about this program at http://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ofw/.

What do I mean by post-decree litigation? If you or your ex-spouse disagree about something relating to the children after the divorce is final and you cannot resolve your differences out of court, you will find yourself back in court on a post decree matter. This could involve a change in child support, custody or parenting schedule. Often times, if you have agreed to shared parenting, you will be required to attend mediation on parenting and custody issues before the court will make any decision. You do not have to attend mediation on child support issues. You may also find yourself in post-decree litigation if one party is not holding up his/her end of the bargain for your property division or spousal support agreement. The court maintains jurisdiction to enforce your agreement. The court does not retain jurisdiction to modify these provision unless the agreement specifically says so.

Other considerations are to update your will and estate plan. Also be sure to change your beneficiaries on your life insurance and other important documents.

For more information, contact the Law Offices of Olivia K. Smith, LLC at www.oksmithlaw.com.

Divorce and the Collaborative Process

Kids, Clothing and Divorce

Holidays and Divorce: Things WILL Change

After your divorce

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